I need help and I can’t talk to anyone I know, so I’m pouring my heart out to you. My husband is addicted to online porn. Our sex life has suffered massively because of it. He seems uninterested in sex with me. I had a feeling that it might be something or someone else. My woman’s intuition told me there had to be a reason for him turning to porn, so I checked our computer’s history log and found he has been surfing gay porn. He does watch straight porn, but now peppers it with male-on-male porn as well.
I thank you and commend you for having the courage to write to me, I know it wasn’t easy, especially with as tough a subject as this one you’re facing. Firstly, it is no surprise that your marital sex life has suffered since your husband started watching pornography. It’s been scientifically proven that men and women who watch porn, in time will make the images they watch an idealized sex act that cannot be duplicated with a sexual partner. Although in the beginning the porn addict’s libido is raised by the images, and subsequently carry out those fantasies with their partner, as time goes by, and as it usually is the case with an addiction, the partner is no longer enough to satisfy the addiction, thus leaving the addict to continue to fantasize about their “Porn lovers.” Furthermore, and because of this common escalation in the addiction, it’s very common for porn addicts to cross the boundaries of their sexual orientation when it comes to the type of porn that they customarily watch. Although it is very easy perhaps for you to doubt your husband’s sexual orientation after having seen in the search history that he’s been watching some male on male porn, it doesn’t necessarily mean that your husband is now or ever was homosexual; it simply means that in the heat of the moment, that particular image caused for him to become aroused and sadly it is very difficult for addicts to dial back or curtail their need for the thing they’re addicted to in the middle of getting their fix. What I would advice is a frank talk with your husband: 1. Tell him you’re aware of his porn search history, and how it involves gay porn. 2. Listen to his explanation fully, do not interrupt him. 3. Ask lovingly but firmly to talk to a professional about this issue. 4. If he minimizes the problem, in a loving manner remind him of how your intimacy has suffered. Chances are your husband hasn’t even noticed how his porn addiction has affected your lives in the bedroom. The bible tells us not to deny one another when it comes to sex (Save for a mutually agreed time set aside for prayer) And 5. Most importantly, you need to be aware that there’s a reason, a need in your husband’s heart (as in all humans) that caused him to turn to pornography. Professional counseling can and will help, however the need in your husband’s heart I’m speaking of is a spiritual need. Often times our minds will act out physically on a spiritual void. We try to fill that spiritual void with purchases, travel, entertainment, and even vices, yet the only one that can fill that void is God. A friend of mine says that “Humanity is trying to fill a God shaped hole in their hearts, with a vice shaped peg” Please seek the advice of your pastor; I’m sure he is well trained and anointed to deal with situations like these. Appeal to your husband’s interest in keeping your marriage from completely falling apart, and schedule a counseling session with your pastor. Prayer changes things, and the first and most important thing prayer changes is “ME and my ability to say no to myself/flesh, and YES to God and the spiritual things that draw me near to God” Thank you for writing, I will be praying for you and your family. Remember, God is a God of second chances, he can transform your husband’s need for pornography into a need for you again. Peace upon you, pastor Luis
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